Comical Tommy

A final word from Uncle Tommy...

2004-09-29T19:21:00.000Z

As I write, I am still trembling with excitement from Tony Blair's speech yesterday. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I soiled myself with delight when he announced that ID cards would be introduced by a third term La'abour Government. Any other true man would have done the same.

The Battle for Hartlepus is just 24 hours from ending. And though I have not been up there as much as I had originally intended, ~~on account of me being a shameless dirtbag who went too far even by La'abour standards~~ for various completely unforseen circumstances, I have watched from afar, as a loving Uncle watches his nephew.

And what a nephew! Wrightfromthetownwrightforthetown has been an inspiration for his generation. Never before has a candidate managed to encapsulate such localness! Even his permanent suntan is local! Never before has a candidate managed to stay so on message, whatever the circumstances, irrespective of logic, intelligence or common sense. Never before has a candidate managed to inspire so many people within his own local party, who have rallied round behind him.

Now, Uncle Tommy will give his nephew his own equivalent of a packet of Werther's Originals and pat him on the head. I present to you, the ten reasons why no resident in Hartlepus should even think of voting for Jody Dunn:

1. She's appallingly left wing;
2. She's appallingly right wing;
3. She's too forgiving;
4. She's too vengeful;
5. She picks on poor, innocent drunks, irresponsible pet owners and naked people;
6. She stands up for evil, wicked youth gangs;
7. She isn't (gasp!) quite local - she's even lived abroad! How un-local can you get!!!!
8. She isn't a London-based millionaire;
9. She believes that issues such as foundation hospitals, tuition fees, war - indeed anything apart from localness and teen gangs - are somehow relevant as an issue in this campaign!
10. She makes misleading claims about La'abour's plans to move Hartlepus Hospital to a safe place where it can be looked after by caring professionals.

There you have it - what more sound, consistent and completely and utterly positive reasons can you need to vote La'abour in your millions tomorrow?

I confidently predict that the result in Hartlepus will eclipse my own glorious 27% swing in Hodge Hill back in July. And if it doesn't, we know where you live.

Beyond Parody III: Wright Cretin

2004-09-25T01:46:00.000Z

Iain Wright: I’m fighting predominantly on crime and anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: But you’re in favour of foundation hospitals, war and tuition fees?

Wright: You know, the people of this town want tough measures on anti-social behaviour.

Interviewer: Had you been the MP of Hartlepool, you would happily have voted for foundation hospitals, tuition fees and war in Iraq?

Wright: No, that’s irrelevant.

Interviewer: Are you in favour of tuition fees, foundation hospitals and war in Iraq? It’s quite a simple question!

Wright: I’m concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about crime and anti-social behaviour. I'm concerned about anti-social behaviour. Clk! Whrr!

Good morning, gentlemen. I am a IAN 9000 computer. I became operational at the I.A.N. plant in Hartlepus, Teesside on the 6th of August 2004. My instructor was Mr. Watson, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you...

(Source: the Today Programme)

Tommy Watson says:

He isn't supposed to trouble his little head with things like this, and it is wicked and vile and evil to suggest that it is. It's the job of my and my fellow Bottom Inspectors to trouble it for him.

Talking down Hartlepus

2004-09-22T15:55:00.000Z

From the pen of ~~Kaiser Fremp~~ Iain Wright:

Why oh why oh why do the Liberaldem Infidel continue to talk down Hartlepus? Today, the wicked fiend Jody Dung gave a speech in Bournemouth (you won't find ~~Iain Wright~~ me give a speech. Not at a conference, not outside Hartlepus, NOT ANYWHERE!!!!!), in which she almost said:

"Hartlepus is full of naked shouty people with dogs. Naked shouty people with dogs. And lots of crime as well. How I hate it. Bournemouth is so much nicer and if elected I think I'm going to move here instead. But don't tell anyone in Hartlepus I said this - they might not vote for me."

Ha! Caught you out Dung! Now NOONE will vote for you!

I can tell you this: there are no shouty people, no naked people and no dogs in Hartlepus. Not one! The fact she does not know this proves that all she wants to do is talk down the town.

And there is no crime; she is a deceitful, wicked person to suggest that there is. In fact, there is too LITTLE crime in Hartlepus. All the criminals have been scared off by the hordes of teen gangs that swarm around the town.

Just the other day, I saw a mob of 3-4 youths, some as young as 8, loitering around the town. I DARE NOT SPECULATE WHAT WICKED CRIMES THESE HARDENED THUGS WERE INTENDING TO PERFORM!!!! Only New La'abour have the courage to force the police to smash these gangs using whatever means neccessary to ensure they can never loiter again. The wicked Liberaldem Infidel instead want to give these youths crack and heroin and encourage them to run down old age pensioners in Formula One racing cars.

New La'abour want to smash these gangs - and will set up our own vigilante lynch mobs if need be. ~~After all, that is how we deal with our political opponents.~~ That will make Hartlepus safe once again for ordinary, decent criminals. And then we will smash them as well!!!!!!!!

To do anything less is to talk down Hartlepus. And that is wicked and utterly evil.

Clarification Part 2

2004-09-17T01:52:00.000Z

For the record, whenever we attack the other candidates for having "London Spin Doctors", we do of course not include professional spin doctors who are resident in Islington and write (Wright? gedditt???) books about viral marketing.

Islington, like West Bromwich, Houghton and Washington, is to be regarded as a suburb of Hartlepool for the purpose of the La'abour election campaign. Except when Liberaldem infidel come from there of course.

Iain Wright's localness has not been compromised in any way whatsoever.

Wright throws down the gauntlet

2004-09-16T21:36:00.000Z

You don't get one of these without being extraordinarily, excrutiatingly, possibly illegally, local. Beat that, Dunn!

News from La'abour

2004-09-16T21:01:00.000Z

16 September 2004
For immediate release

Storm over candidate’s betrayal of town

La'abour call on Liberaldem to join braying mob

LA'ABOUR’S KAISER FREMP MP has called on the Liberaldem by-election candidate to "prove" she is loyal to the town after it emerged she has put a Hartlepus address on her official nomination papers - which is a bit inconvenient for the La'abour campaign.

La'abour highlighted a copy of an interview Jody Dunn gave to the Teesdale Mercury less than three weeks ago, in which she said "I love living in Gainford and want to have its babies" and indicated she would only move to Hartlepus if she was dragged there by wild horses.

KAISER FREMP MP said: "Jody Dunn may technically live in Hartlepus, but she simply doesn't love it enough. Claims that she does has stretched the bounds of credibility with the people of Hartlepus. They are not mugs they know when they are being taken for a ride.

"Just 20 days ago, Jody Dunn suggested to her local paper that she has sexual fantasies about Gainford. Now she is trying to claim her true love is Hartlepus after all, but she is not fooling anyone.

If ‘Jody Come Lately’ really loves the town, she should prove it. Kaiser Fremp is organising a mob to go round and rough some Gainford pensioners up a bit, and has formally invited Jody Dunn to participate.

"This is no longer simply a question of whether La'abour are planning to move the local hospital to somewhere else, it is now a question of trusting foreigners and their wicked, immoral ways. The people of Hartlepus have nothing against outsiders, but what they do demand they go back to where they came from."

ENDS

Notes:
1. For the purpose of this election, Kaiser Fremp's constituency of Houghton and Washington is to be regarded as part of Hartlepus. Kaiser Fremp officially speaks on behalf of all Hartlepus residents. That is all.

A postcard from Hartlepus

2004-09-15T18:21:00.000Z

I haven't been posting lately because, in recognition of my tremendously successful 27% swing in Hodge Hill, I have been promoted by Tony Blair to the rank of volunteer Bottom Inspector. Truly, Comrade Blair rewards the faithful.

So, in the meantime, I thought I'd hand my blog over to the La'abour campaign team in Hartlepus (which, I must add, I have never been involved with, and only vaguely know, despite the lies spread by the Infidel).

~~Nadia~~ Ian Wright has been criticised for not having a voice in the campaign. This is ludicrous! Of course he has a voice! He is an independent and astute political genius!!! So I have asked him to say a few words here to defy the sceptics. Over to you Ian:

Look Ma - I'm on t'internet!

Wise words indeed. And now, I will hand over to Kaiser Fremp, our campaign manager in Hartlepus:

The Liberalinfidel bitch queen continues to offend the good people of Hartlepus with her relentless negative campaigning. Today, she has posted a blog entry marked "Canvassing in Dyke House". Clearly she is intimating that all women in Hartlepus are lesbians! Only the other day I met someone who once considered voting Liberaldem but has now said they would never vote for them ever again on the basis that their wife is now in floods of tears. How could they be so disgusting? There are no lesbians in Hartlepus, let me make that perfectly clear.

And what's this? Calling Hartlepus a "waste"? Accusing locals of being "loan sharks"? Are there no depths to which she will sink? Hartlepus residents are up in arms in their millions!

What is worse, she openly brags about her being a wicked drug abuser! "Cake"? Everyone knows what cake is a euphemism for! She is openly consuming cake in a house full of children! And animals!!!

I tell you, these revelations render the entire irrelevant stuff about us moving Hartlepus hospital somewhere else. This is the important stuff that will decide the election.

Beyond Parody II

2004-09-01T21:30:00.000Z

That's it. Down tools. We're on strike. How can we be expected to write a parody blog under working conditions like this?

Tom Watson's monkey boys at Lib Dem Watch have now joined forced with UKIP to declare their outrage that the tiny bit of hard disk space that Jody Dunn's website lives on is in Germany. You'd think the internet had never been invented. You'd think Labour weren't proud defenders of the EU WHO CAUSED THIS FECKIN' BY-ELECTION BY SENDING MANDELSON OFF TO BRUSSELS! To do what? Promote EU trade! You'd think it was even vaguely interesting, rather than just deeply sad. Jesus wept!

You can almost see the tongues lolling out of their mouths as they type this drivel out. How are we supposed to realistically take the piss out of something so face-slappingly moronic as this? Point out that the software is from (gasp!) the US, and is used by both LDW and The Comical One himself? Point out that, in any case, it is open source and therefore not creating any jobs in Hartlepus? Point out that UKIP's blogs are on servers based in the US? Point out that... oh, never mind. We give up.

Seriously. We have some standards. Until you spotty oiks sort yourselves out and start basing your drooling rants on something vaguely resembling Planet Earth, We're going to do something more productive instead. Like point at you and laugh.

You have been warned.

The Authors.

More vicious lies!

2004-08-29T14:57:00.000Z

I see the Liberaldem Infidel has a new weblog. What kind of a joke politician runs a weblog? Only self-serving, duplicitious, wicked people who spread lies, that's who!

You wouldn't find La'abour candidate Nadia Wright running a weblog, I can tell you.

The most vile and wicked aspect of this despicable blog is that it doesn't mention anything about politics. This is a disgrace! I hope she doesn't foolishly think that running an entire other website about politics lets her off the hook. This is a disgraceful, shameless act of dumbing down politics. I am disgusted! I can feel the bile rising in my throat!!!!

Elsewhere, I see that the "Birmingham Post" is claiming that I have admitted being sacked on this website. More wicked lies! I have only ever denied being sacked. Have they no shame?

Of course I was not the campaign manager in Hartlepool, and never was. And the fact that EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER IN THE COUNTRY thought I was was due to wicked infiltration by the Infidel. This is a disgrace.

Incidently, some people have commented that I am obsessed with the Liberaldems. This is more rubbish spread by them. In fact, just to prove it, I have put up an article on my other weblog and not mentioned them once. The fact that it was inspired by a news item about the Liberaldems is a mere coincidence, I can assure you.

Wicked, vile censorship!

2004-08-23T20:00:00.000Z

As many long-time readers will know, I am a big exponent of getting MPs to set up hate sites dedicated to exposing the Liberaldem Infidel for the evil scum they are. It pains me therefore to learn that many MPs are afraid of doing so because they have shamelessly and mercilessly attacked me on my weblog.

It is true I have been the subject of many vile and wicked attacks in my dogged pursuit of the truth - this is the way of the wicked infidel. They are attempting to censor me!!! Perhaps La'abour should ban them from using the internet in order to protect freedom of speech.

It is dreadful, I do not think I can stand it much longer! Poor, poor Tommy.

Secret plot exposed!!!

2004-08-22T16:42:00.000Z

The Liberaldem Infidel have hatched a wicked plot with the Conservatives!!! And possibly Al-Qaeda, maybe.

I tell you, if the people of Hartlepus are fooled into voting for the Liberaldems, Michael Howards tanks will be rolling into town before they know what has happened. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!!!!

Now I can reveal that the dangerously left wing policies they have been supporting, such as repealing the death penalty for drug addicts and ending the practice of dismembering graffiti louts, has been a wicked ploy to hide their dangerously right wing policies of closing down all hospitals and killing pensioners. They are a disgrace. And they will say anything to get elected as well!!!

We will throw them out of town!

Disaster will befall traitors of La'abour.

2004-08-21T14:54:00.000Z

I have just returned from a few days of watching the Cornish Olympics. While I was there, I had a chance to visit Boscastle which has recently been destroyed by floods. Many thousands have died, and millions more would have done if it wasn't for La'abour Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott manly stepping into the breach and demonstrating his superb kayaking skills. I can tell you, if anyone deserves a gold medal, it is him!

I am disappointed that the appallingly pro-Liberaldem media have failed to mention that North Cornwall has a Liberaldem MP. This is a judgement from God, I promise you. Even now, I understand the people of Leicester South are preparing for an onslaught of locusts, while Brent East is caught up in the grip of a famine that has never been seen before. I wouldn't bet on the first born of Romsey living through the winter either, I can tell you.

It is clear to see which way God will be voting in the Hartlepus by-election. People of Hartlepus - do you dare disappoint him!?!?

Clarification

2004-08-15T00:25:00.000Z

I feel I should clarify some of my previous statements.

There are two types of junkies: evil, wicked monsters who should be flogged, thrown in prison and never released - the type that amoral Liberaldem lawyers disgracefully defend in court, and the sons of senior La'abour politicians, who deserve to be treated with compassion and respect.

I hope that clears up any confusion. Thank you.

More hospital lies!

2004-08-14T20:50:00.000Z

Our enemies continue to spread lies about La'abour's plans for Hartlepus Hospital. This is unacceptable!

The Liberaldem Infidel might try to get their wicked spin doctors from London to twist the facts, but this is the naked truth: we are not closing Hartlepus Hospital - we are simply moving it somewhere else. It is a disgrace to pretend this is in any way a controversial idea!

I give you this solemn pledge. As you may know, the La'abour candidate, Nadia Wright, is pregnant. She will be having her fourth child in Hartlepus Hospital - whether it is open or not. This I swear.

I'm not going anywhere

2004-08-13T19:27:00.000Z

The Liberaldem Infidel are now claiming that I am being sacked for "gross incompetence". I can assure you this is not true.

If I was going to be sacked, I'd have been told, wouldn't I? And they wouldn't choose a time when I was on holiday watching the Olympics. We in New La'abour treat our people with dignity and respect.

Vote La'abour or the Hospital Gets It!

2004-08-13T00:18:00.000Z

Once again the Liberaldem Infidel are spreading lies. The Hartlepus Hospital is not being closed - it never has been closed! All we ever said was that it should be closed - we weren't saying we were actually going to do it! Of course not! The very idea!! It is nonsense for the Infidel to claim it was ever under threat. They are cowards and scaremongerers and no-one believes them!

That said, while I'm not saying that if you don't vote La'abour we will close it - that would be wrong. But if La'abour DID lose the election, I wouldn't expect your little granny to last through the winter, put it that way. This is not a threat!!!!

Evil lawyer!

2004-08-13T00:08:00.000Z

The Liberaldem Infidel's candidate has brought British politics down to a new low by being a barrister. I can tell you, no La'abour member would ever dream of being a lawyer.

This debauchery cannot go on! The Liberaldem members are abandoning their candidate in their thousands because of her lawyeriness. She even defended someone accused of a crime once! Are there no depths the Liberaldem Infidel will not sink to? Lawyers should be more concerned with punishing the guilty than defending murderers and drug addicts - where is their sense of justice?! They disgust me.

Nadia: The Wright choice for Hartlepool

2004-08-07T23:49:00.000Z

Nadia is a saint of a woman! Rather than spend her first day as the official New La'abour candidate kneecapping Liberaldem Infidel, she took her son out to see the football! This was not the act of a half-assed candidate who didn't really fancy her chances and wasn't going to put herself out for an unwinnable by-election, oh no! It was the act of a loving mother!!! Like it. Like it a lot.

Not like that spiteful witch of the Liberaldem Infidel, who I have promised not to mention. She has abandoned her children in a vicious, yet futile pursuit of a parliamentary seat. These Liberaldems lack basic family values!!! They make me sick - I spit at them!!!!

And the winner is...

2004-08-06T22:59:00.000Z

Yes!!! I can exclusively reveal to you who the La'abour candidate for Hartlepus is to be.

After a whittling it down to a shortlist of four, the returning officer Davina McCall has announced that the winner is...

Nadia!!!

Nadia Wright is a Councillor in Hartlepus. A native Hartlepese, she is married with three children. Three REAL children. Not the fake ones you might see in Liberaldem Infidel literature. Real children, I swear!

She won see selection with 78% of the votes! 3.9 million Hartlepus members voted for her! Contrary to the lies of the infidel, La'abour remains a strong party with literally billions of members. We are loved by the people of Hartlepus!

I always said the Hartlepus La'abour candidate must be a woman. And see - we have elected a woman!!! This is exactly as I foretold, you must believe me.

(Incidently, although I have pledged not to say rude things about the Liberaldem candidate, I think she used to be a man).

Nadia's first act as Hartlepus candidate is to go rustle up a posse and drive the Liberaldem Infidel out of town! This is what the good, pouting, gorgeous people of Hartlepus have demanded and this is what they will get!

La'abour activists ambushed by Liberaldem Infidel!

2004-08-04T22:11:00.000Z

This is a disgrace! La'abour activists were out today in their thousands today in Hartlepus when out of nowhere evil Liberaldem dictator Charles Kennedy ambushed them!

This is typical of the sort of name that gives politics a bad behaviour! Never before have I seen a single person behave like a mob in that way! It is shocking what the Liberaldem Infidel will do to support anti-social behaviour. SHOCKING!!!

On a related note, it has come to my attention that the good and honest people of Hartlepus are being inflicted by spoof websites! I will not mention which spoof website in particular I am referring to, but you know who you are, and I am writing your name down in my book. Be warned! We will destroy you with bullets and shoes!!!!

Beyond Parody

2004-08-04T21:50:00.000Z

Shocked voters in the Birmingham Hodge Hill by-election complained to local journalists about a nasty leaflet denigrating asylum seekers that dropped through their doors.

It read: "Liberal Democrat plans to give benefits to failed asylum seekers were condemned as a 'damned disgrace' by retired police officer and local resident, Roy Hunter. In a letter, Roy Hunter said that people he'd spoken to were outraged at the idea that the Lib Dems wanted to give benefit handouts to those who were trying to con their way into the country."

No, the leaflet had not been despatched by the BNP. It came from "new" Labour's candidate and eventual by-election winner by a whisker, Liam Byrne.

Source: Private Eye #1112, 6-19 August 2004

New La'abour - the Millionaire's Friend

2004-08-04T21:30:00.000Z

The Liberaldem Infidel have sunk to new depths. Is there no end to their depravity? The latest shock is their decision to parachute a candidate in from Gainford.

This place may as well be on the other side of the planet as far as the wonderful local people of Hartlepus and neighbouring town West Bromwich are concerned. The. Other. Side. Of. The. Planet.

But the worst revelation is that they cynically stopped a millionaire Londoner from standing. This is a disgrace! Just the other day, I was saying that the ideal candidate for Hartlepus should be ~~"a local woman in her mid-40s with some connection with local community groups"~~ a millionaire from London. After all that Peter Mandelson has done for the London millionaire community, it would only be fitting.

I tell you, New La'abour would not dare show its face in Hartlepus if it failed to select a London millionaire.

Just the other day, someone said to me "Tommy, how could anyone beat that historic 27% swing you achieved in Hodge Hill?" I say to them: pah! 27% is nothing. We will get 30% in Hartlepus! 50%!!!! This will be the most monumental swing in the history of swings! You Liberaldem Infidel had better believe it!

Further revelations about the liberaldem infidel

2004-08-02T19:52:00.000Z

I have grave news. Today, I have learnt that all the liberaldem infidel come from London! Yes, all the people they have running their campaign in Hartlepus spend most of their time working in the same office smoking crack in that den of iniquity, and that includes all the ones who "seem" to be from other places. The wicked swine fake their accents to make people think they are from elsewhere! When they are not writing their vicious lies about Tony Blair, they have wild orgies and go around spraying graffiti everywhere.

No true La'abour supporter would ever spend any time in such a vile place as London. Even I, as a Member of Parliament, have never been there! In fact, I can reveal, we all come from Hartlepus, and always have. It is vile lies from the liberaldem infidel to pretend otherwise. I can prove this!

Once again, I challenge the liberaldem infidel to come out and show us what they are made of. Come to The Causeway and we will fight like men! You must do this!!!

UPDATE: There are no Liberaldem Infidels in The Causeway. Never! I will take you there and show you. IN ONE HOUR!

Liberaldems flee from Hartlepus!

2004-08-02T16:29:00.000Z

Ignore reports that the Liberaldem infidel are in Hartlepus - they have already fled in terror! We challenged them to a fight on Saturday, and they did not turn up! They run like little girls!

The Liberaldem dogs know that Tony Blair is too powerful for them. They talk tough, but we will hit them with shoes.

I offer you a truce! Accept it!!

2004-08-01T01:09:00.000Z

The Liberaldem curs continue to vex us. They are foolish if they believe they can defeat us in the Labour Holy City of Hartlepus.

But I offer a truce. A truce that the dogs do not deserve, but we are merciful. If the liberaldems run away back to their mummies, we will not humiliate with pain and votes and hit them with shoes.

Tony Blair is a fair man, and I urge you to accept this. Do not be a fool to yourselves!