A final word from Uncle Tommy...

As I write, I am still trembling with excitement from Tony Blair's speech yesterday. Yes, I am not ashamed to admit that I soiled myself with delight when he announced that ID cards would be introduced by a third term La'abour Government. Any other true man would have done the same.

The Battle for Hartlepus is just 24 hours from ending. And though I have not been up there as much as I had originally intended, on account of me being a shameless dirtbag who went too far even by La'abour standards for various completely unforseen circumstances, I have watched from afar, as a loving Uncle watches his nephew.

And what a nephew! Wrightfromthetownwrightforthetown has been an inspiration for his generation. Never before has a candidate managed to encapsulate such localness! Even his permanent suntan is local! Never before has a candidate managed to stay so on message, whatever the circumstances, irrespective of logic, intelligence or common sense. Never before has a candidate managed to inspire so many people within his own local party, who have rallied round behind him.

Now, Uncle Tommy will give his nephew his own equivalent of a packet of Werther's Originals and pat him on the head. I present to you, the ten reasons why no resident in Hartlepus should even think of voting for Jody Dunn:

1. She's appallingly left wing;
2. She's appallingly right wing;
3. She's too forgiving;
4. She's too vengeful;
5. She picks on poor, innocent drunks, irresponsible pet owners and naked people;
6. She stands up for evil, wicked youth gangs;
7. She isn't (gasp!) quite local - she's even lived abroad! How un-local can you get!!!!
8. She isn't a London-based millionaire;
9. She believes that issues such as foundation hospitals, tuition fees, war - indeed anything apart from localness and teen gangs - are somehow relevant as an issue in this campaign!
10. She makes misleading claims about La'abour's plans to move Hartlepus Hospital to a safe place where it can be looked after by caring professionals.

There you have it - what more sound, consistent and completely and utterly positive reasons can you need to vote La'abour in your millions tomorrow?

I confidently predict that the result in Hartlepus will eclipse my own glorious 27% swing in Hodge Hill back in July. And if it doesn't, we know where you live.